The Sun and loss of identity

So, I've never really identified with my Sun, even though I have a stellium involving the Sun and many planets in that sign. I've never really thought to study the Sun in depth astrologically, as the Moon, chart ruler, and dominant planets were always of more importance to me. But it's come to my attention that I do, in fact, like everyone else, have a Sun. And it does, in fact, affect me. My experiences with it have almost been somewhat volatile, but I wanted to explore the Sun a little more in relation to our identity. How do we change, grow, and explore? These are some topics I want to cover.

So here's my chart. You're likely to notice a few things, but for now I'd like to point your attention to:

• My Sun is exactly square Pluto
• My Sun is conjunct the South Node
• My Sun is in Pisces

I was always an artsy kid. I loved making art, writing (though this in particular wasn't until I got much older), and creating things and bringing them to life. It wasn't until high school that I got very serious about my art, deciding to enroll in a trade school with an art program alongside my public school (A big thanks to my mom for encouraging me to enroll!)

To really clarify how big of a deal this was at the time, every single kid in my class who applied to VCU got in (God, I feel really lame typing that out). But around the middle of my senior year, I had cataract surgery. I could no longer see like I used to. I went from nearsighted to farsighted overnight. Colors got brighter, everything was sharper, and I no longer needed glasses, for the most part.

As a side note - it was funny, my art teacher pulled me aside and said she noticed how my color palette had changed! She said she noticed that I used brighter colors in my art before my surgery. She suggested this was because I was overcompensating, because I could not see. She was right on the money! I didn't know it at the time, but brighter colors just looked dull before my surgery.

So after this surgery, I was kind of fed up with not being able to see how I used to. It was weird to draw with new eyes. I decided sometime after that surgery, probably a month or two that I did not want to pursue art anymore. I had interned with professional artists at this point - it had been my dream since elementary school - the fourth grade. But I wanted to try other things. Mostly out of bitterness, partly out of stubbornness and my unwillingness to adapt.

So I gave up art. This, understandably, caused a huge, gaping pit where my identity used to be. I mourned it. For a long while. Even still, to this day. But time teaches me a few things.

As I mentioned in this article, the South Node shows us our natural talents, but it also feels as if we're bored. And when there's no where left in our current field or place to expand to or explore, we are left with little choice but to step outside of our comfort zone and challenge what we believe.

I made the decision when I first got into college to not try out art. I was tired, burnt out, and a little jaded from what I loved. And I freaking struggled. Nothing stuck like art did, nothing gave me the same feeling of flow or freedom. Nothing gave me the same creativity.

But loss always leads to expansion. Because I was no longer single mindedly focused on a goal, I was able to try new things. I tried my hand at many new things. I tried, eventually, to get into an art related field again because I missed it so much. It didn't hit the same - in fact, it reminded me why I had left. But this is where things change and morph - I still love art. I just love it from other people. I love Anna Laura's hopeful art and Alex Schaefer's banks on fire. I love Anastasia Trusova's art because it makes me feel a sense of wonder and home. Art is still a part of me, just in a different form.

The South Node has transformed the Sun. It has shown me what I love, and left it void. It has also, shown me, perhaps, that I identify with and rely on my talents too much. I'm sure this is also enhanced because it is aspected by Pluto, planet of loss, grief, and death. But in the wake of our loss, there is always room for something new.

I would also like to point out that trees never stop growing, all their lives.

But as I reflect on the astrology of it all, I've come to learn how my placements manifested in and out of me, and how I, in turn, learned from my placements. Not my transits at the time (though I was soon to be going through my nodal return, the transiting nodes were in the same signs they were in in my natal chart), nor my progressions or solar returns. But how Pluto has, consistently, reminded me of everything I need to let go of. And how, perhaps just as importantly, called me to acknowledge that not everything we lose is a loss.

I wouldn't wish losing your identity on anyone in the world. There's nothing quite like it. But in that there is freedom to explore (if not, a bit of disheveled, chaotic, reckless freedom. Uranus energy). We can feel as if we are aimless, without a goal. But what if we just shifted that goal to expand? To simply explore? Still ever the Pisces, I see, that last bit sounded very Jupiter of me.

But if we think of life as a feast (follow me here), and what we do as our food - wouldn't it make sense to want to try out stuff? Some people find the food they love right away, and eat it all day, everyday. Others find the food they love, but for whatever reason, (be it job loss, a change in life, or just general circumstance/ boredom) decide they don't want it anymore, or can't eat it anymore. There are still a variety of foods to try. And we may not find something that we like right off the bat. But that's the beauty of exploring. We don't have to stay with what we don't love! We are free to try and do and experiment.

Thanks so much for reading! I was thinking about expanding the article a little more, talking about how we identify with what we do (Midheaven, though mine is ruled by the Sun, so I guess that's fitting, haha!) but also the search for a new outlet, a new way of life, and exploration itself. I also wanted to expand upon how Pluto reminds us not to go back to what did not work for us in the past. There's a reason it didn't work out! It's best to move on.

But what would you like to see? Please drop a line and let me know!

Much love,

Abby